Making the most of your dates
Why you fancy them
You may be attracted to a person because of how physically attractive you find them, how similar you think you are to one another, or as a result of forces from deep within your unconscious mind.
Attractiveness
This isn't about looking like a film star! Studies have shown that we are attracted to people who appear healthy. So, shiny hair, white teeth, clear skin and clothes in a style that make the most of our assets are the key. Most of us can achieve this, and there are several books out there to help figure out what would suit us most. If you are single because your previous relationship failed one of the things you will probably had to deal with is a fairly low self-esteem for a while, and so having to make decisions about how to dress and present yourself to the world can seem a major problem. So, use the advice of friends and experts to build a new you that you will feel comfortable with. We are all in with a chance, because we tend to attract, and be attracted to people who we think are about as attractive as us.
Similarity
There is a view that opposites attract, but it actually is similarity that bodes well for a relationship, especially our attitudes. So, when you are trying to decide what sort of questions to ask your date, think about the issues that are important to you.
Unconscious forces
Have you ever met someone for the first time and "recognised" them? This is an example of what a psychodynamic psychologist would call "transference" - your unconscious mind is fitting them into your psyche! Sometimes this recognition means that you take an instant dislike to that person, other times it feels lovely, if a little disconcerting! There are a couple of potential ways in which they could have sparked this response off in you. It could be something about how they look which is reminiscent of someone from your past - probably a parent, I'm afraid! Or it could be something more covert; somehow their unconscious fits with yours. This might be an explanation for why apparent opposites attract. For example, one half of the pair might have an unconscious need for a strong and dominant partner, because they have a need to be cared for, and vice-versa. Just think how lucky they are to find one another! If it happens to you, go with it - our instincts rarely let us down!
How to get them to fancy you
Chances are, if you are strongly attracted to them, based on the principles above, you won't need this section! However, remember that at our Speed Dating events you might meet someone who you maybe don't fancy, but you feel would be a good friend, and so these tips could help you establish a slightly different sort of relationship.
Forgive if I'm stating some obvious stuff here, but to go back to an earlier comment, for some getting back into the dating game is really daunting, and a tick list of "dos and don'ts" can act as a bit of a security blanket at first!
- Listen rather than talk
- Maintain eye contact
- Prompt with nods and smiles
- Make your posture open - avoid having your arms tightly crossed over your chest!
- Some techniques from the world of Sales suggest that it is the second piece of information that a person gives us that is really important to them - so, ask for more information and see if they "bite"!
- Carry on your conversation during the breaks at Speed dating - this will show the person that you have really been listening, which is a huge compliment
- Avoid wearing something new - you might discover that it's not quite as flattering or comfortable. Pick something you already know suits you
- Remember the person sitting opposite is likely to be nervous too, so the more you can put them at their ease by being friendly and welcoming, the more attractive you will appear to them - we like those who make us feel good about ourselves!
Article kindly contributed by Lesley McDonough, Psychologist
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